Fear of unexpected

Everyday I fear, fear the unexpected, a feeling which has totolly gone awry. A long time back the feeling was of looking forward for unexpected. Why this change? The unexpected is not 'unexpected' any more in true sense. It's only the unexpected situation that creats something which is expected and dreaded. The weekend is coming and this feeling is clouding my thoughts. Nothing has happened yet, but it will be. What, that I don't know but the result, that is, unfortunately, known.

AS was here today, that same old attitude, incomprehensible, intolerable, always arguing. Talk about old friends(?), if I can use this word for such person.

A new day

Each new day brings hope, beginning of better times.

Yeah right! It may be true for some but not for me. Every morning when I wake up, I dread that something new will go wrong. There hasn't been a single day in the past year when something has'nt go wrong, intentionally or unintentionally, that makes the rest of the day unbearable. And if by chance a day goes by quietly then it is even more dangerous as it only foretells that worst is yet to come and that dwindles any chance of relaxing. Yesterday was a quiet day and instead of being happy and relaxed, I was panicking because the silence means that something is lurking nearby but I cannot see it. And the feeling that something is going wrong but you don't know why and what so that you can at least try to stop it or minimize the effects, is a mental torture.

Life

I am beginning to wonder where my life is going. I never seem to have time for myself. It is always work, work and work and looking after the others. But who is going to look after me? I like work. In fact I like to keep myself busy instead of wasting time in front of TV or lounging around for no reason. But do I have to be busy doing things I don't want to do at that time or all the time? Why can't I do things that I like to do? Looks like that is happening for last couple of years. Sometimes I wish I could go back to SB. The one year I spent their was the best time I ever had. If it was not for some unavoidable reasons, I would have tried to stay back then but NO, I had to come back.

Life here was never my cup of tea, this I know from the day it dawned on us that from now on, there will be no more annual visits to PK since we are here permanently. There was lot of hue and cry but to no avail. How I was able to survive a decade only I know. Everyday was filled with complaining about things that are happening or not happening or why they are happening (not happening)

I have been observing the life style in this city these many years and it seems that the quality of life (not in terms of money) has gone down. People are happy by spending time in front of TV or eating out. In fact food has become an entertainment!!! I just cannot comprehend these things. There are better things to do in life than sleeping and eating all the time. But if I ever say this aloud I will be 'honoured' with terms like 'old-fashioned', 'crazy', 'out-of-touch', 'unaware of modern lifestyle' and others that I rather not write.

Surprise! Surprise!

It was 10:30 and I had just come from the class and there was a big surprise waiting for me. I wasn't even expecting it and yet it happened. Such surprises are always welcome and frequently if possible, but I guess that is too much to ask for. At least my weekend went well after so many months. Alas! the effect won't last long!

A perfect description

"My friends and my road-fellows, pity the nation that is full of beliefs and empty of religion. "Pity the nation that wears a cloth it does not weave, eats a bread it does not harvest, and drinks a wine that flows not from its own winepress. "Pity the nation that acclaims the bully as hero, and that deems the glittering conqueror bountiful. "Pity the nation that raises not its voice save when it walks in a funeral, boasts not except among its ruins, and will rebel not save when its neck is laid between the sword and the block. "Pity the nation whose statesman is a fox, whose philosopher is a juggler, and whose art is the art of patching and mimicking. "Pity the nation that welcomes its new ruler with trumpetings, and farewells him with hootings, only to welcome another with trumpetings again. "Pity the nation divided into fragments, each fragment deeming itself a nation."
-- Kahlil Gibran

On "Trousseau full of books"

Last Sunday, I read an article in Books & Authors section of Dawn. And for the first time I was laughing with all my heart. Why? Because I actually went through what the writer was saying. While reading the article, I felt that I was going through a page from my life written by someone else.

Books! An alien word in our society. Books! Given the lowest priority. People have money to spend on luxuries, time to spend in having 'fun' but when it comes to reading, they are are just too busy or living on budget.

Few years back, I had read similiar type of article in the same newspaper section and that inspired me to write an article on the wonderful world of books. Books, with them you can be yourself, the time flies and you never get bored, you give a good workout to your imagination. You can go anywhere, be anyone you want, do anything. It is all upto you. I am surprised, sometimes, how people 'live' without reading.

With the way things are going, sadly, I haven't been able to read anything at all and I feel this deprivation, something missing from my life. There was a time I used to go to every bookfair that was held in the city, which were three, and made sure that I never come back empty-handed. But it's been three years now and I haven't seen the face of a bookshop, let alone buy a book.

HP7, was waiting for it for a year but for what? Haven't bought it yet.

What do I want to read? The list is long but the top of the list are (in random order):
HP7
Tilism Hoshruba (So many volumes!)
Mathnawi of Rumi (Urdu version)
HP6 (have read the online version and dont remember a single word of it)
Tuzk-e-Taimuri
Darbar-e-Akbari
Ain-e-Akbari
Tareekh-e-Hindustan
Guzishta-e-Lucknow


Sang-e-meel has some of the interesting publications. Tried to order online but it was expensive and time consuming and not to mention unreliable.

Being a teacher

People say that the teaching profession is the easiest thing in the world. Why? Being in this profession for the past seven years, I say it is the other way round, provided you are true to your profession.

Yes, it can by very easy if you just go to the class, give lecture and leave, but that is not the true essence of being an educator. If you really lose yourself in this profession, you will realize how stressful it can be. Being an educator is not simply giving lectures, which are made once and used many times. It's about learning, teaching, polishing minds, empathising, being there, being supportive and what not. It is hard because you are expected to be someone one can look up to.

Just a Thought

Sometimes you have to sacrifice an important part of your life just to *survive* in this world. Why? What else is there when you don't feel anything, you are living in the sense that you are breathing, your five senses are working, you move around, you pretend that you are fine but the reality is different. You may look fine to others but emotionally you are dead. You don't feel anything, you don't care about anyone or anything. You smile , not because you are happy or something, but only because you have to, so that people may not think that you are arrogant. You want to cry but you cannot, because people would think that you are crying over nothing.

People, People, People. What are they? Who are they? Why does a person have to take care of what *others* are thinking or will think and not what he/she feels? Why one has to say or do or think what others want and not what he/she wants? Others' satisfaction is more important than self satisfaction.

We cannot do anything which, though morally and ethically right, is against the *society*. The society which has its own rules, right or wrong. If you go against the society you will be termed as rebel, crazy and what not. You will not be accepted by the society, by the people. One has to pay a high price just to be different. But not everyone can afford to do so. Some do what they feel is right and don't care. But there are some who, even if they are thinking right, cannot do anything because, if they are rejected then it will be very difficult for them to survive in the society. Where will they go?

All of this has to change. One cannot live completely bound by the so called norms, values and laws of the society: norms, values, laws, some of which do not have any justification of their existence at all. They are there and they have to be followed. Why should it be like this? Every thing that humans make for themselves has to have a justification of being there. You cannot have something for the heck of just having it. You don't have to follow something because it has to be followed.

People should have the right of being different and they should be allowed to justify their behaviour...

Imagination

"A man who has no imagination has no wings."

Imagination is not a waste of time. Imagination leads to new ideas, new thinking. It is not taught in school, it cannot be forced upon anyone. It just develops with use. While reading a book, you can imagine what is the writer trying to say. You can translate the words into pictures. The characters become real. You can imagine yourself in that time as if you are actually witnessing everything.

Imagination has no limits. You can go anywhere, be anywhere, do anything, be anyone. Imagination transports you to a whole new world, time or place where you have never been before.

If you cannot imagine, you are missing something. You will always be in same place, do the same thing. You will not have anything new to say. Without imagination life becomes dull and monotonous.

Try once to let your imagination go free. Think of wild things you can do, places you want to go. While reading a book, don't just read words, imagine it to be real, experience it. You don't always have to do or think in the conventional manner.

Imagination is a gift, When you imagine, you experience the scene, place, people, time. You imagine what it would be like if, let's assume, "I am the famous painter of the world". The feeling is not only great but it motivates you to move ahead, do something to make your imagination a reality.

Don't Take Anything for Granted

Life has its ups and downs like a sine curve but it is not regular like the sine curve. Sometimes the period of exaltation is longer and the state of depression is shorter and sometimes it is the other way round.

When we are happy we take it for granted, as if it is a natural thing like hunger. But when things go wrong we blame our fates, blame others and ourselves for deserving such things. During this period we forget all about our previous moments of joy. We have only one thing in mind, that fate is not with us. Whatever we do is not just good enough. A state of depression prevails. What happens next? That state goes away and we are again happy. What do we do then? Again take it for granted.

Instead a person should keep this in mind that things are not always good or always bad. They move between the two extremes, sometimes staying longer at one extreme and sometimes at another. This oscillation is only because when we enter the state of elation, we can enjoy it more and be thankful for it. These moments also protect us in time of sadness. During the 'low' times in life, these moments of happiness serve as a rope that we hold on to, a source of hope that we will get out of it one day and things will get better.

When there is light, there is darkness. The dark side is there so that a person can enjoy the light. If people are always in the state of ecstasy, they will not be able to enjoy it for a long time. They will not know what to enjoy. But when they are sad, when things just don't go right, the happiness becomes a treasure.

One must enjoy each moment of happiness, take it as a gift, cherish the moments. They should not be ignored as something which should always happen. If things are looking glum there is something to learn from them. There is always a hope that this is just a phase which will pass.

One should never underestimate oneself and one's circumstances because this is another self-created source of unhappiness. Everyone is made different, so a person should not expect that they should be like others. One must take a close look at oneself and think what one can do. There is always some thing that a person can do which is not common but they take it for granted. For example, if a person paints well, he/she will take it for granted and not give it any importance. But the truth is that painting is an art and few possess this capability.

A person has to think very hard and dig out their hidden or ignored talents and interests, congratulate himself/herself on it and take pride in it. Work on it, improve it, spend more time in it and enjoy every moment. Even when he/she feels 'down', this capability can be used to keep the mind off such things. This helps in moving one out of the 'low' state.

No Title

What is this all about? I don't know myself. It is just what is in my mind and writing is one way to get it out of my mind or rather it is the only way that I can express myself. Considering this, I give this piece no title. Maybe later I'll come up with something.

In this world, we meet so many people everyday but not all stay in our memory. Some we forget the moment they are out of sight, some we remember superficially and some leave a lasting impression on us. But when we meet someone, how do we know which of these category that person belongs to. Maybe in the first meeting, it is not determined. Maybe if there is a second encounter, memory of that person stays with you. Sometimes haunt you. No matter what you do, you just can't get away from it (or maybe don't want to).

Personal experience? Yes, it is the case. Few years back, I met two persons and at that time I didn't know that they will be around till today. First meeting, just one of those daily 'hello', 'hi'; second meeting, just the same. Infact quite a number of such encounters were casual, too casual. But were they? Or was there more to it. Were those superficial greetings really superficial or was there something else in them. Maybe at that time :'yes', but now: 'no'.

Knowingly or unknowingly the casualness changed into something more, something that was to be permenant, unlike so many other things. How and why it happened, I guess I will never know but it happened. Personally, I do not have much faith in strong relationships especially nowadays when everything is artificial, even feelings and emotions. And to think of it, even though I have this opinion, I just went in the opposite direction and created very strong bonds with them, a link that cannot be defined but it exists and is stronger than any that I know of.

So many years have passed and these bonds haven't weakened instead they have become stronger. Too strong that even I have difficulty handling them but I cannot break them, even if I wanted to. Of course I don't want to. They have given me new strength, something to hold on to when everything else fails.

Now that one of the person is not there anymore but its memories are and will always be there. These memories tell me the kind of person I was then and the person I am now. I feel sad and sometimes depressed that I was responsible for cutting the person out of my life, for selfish reasons. It was painful then and it is painful now but it created a difference in me. Something that I had suppressed till then but now I am aware of it. This 'something' doesn't have a name, it can only be felt by me and by that person only.

The other person, well, I am not sure what to write. After so many years, still the same, the same attitude, persistent and annoying but surprisingly still there. Came as a blessing when I was at my worst, just casual and good distraction, nothing more. Who knew that it was to change. It could have been one-sided and the rest could be my imagination. Whatever it is, I am indebted to this 'imagination'.

Come to think of it, few more days and all will be just a dream, a pleasant and long dream and I will be back in reality, the real life, which is no good. These bonds that I think are there will just become a part of my imagination. Nothing will materialize. Will these bonds/these people be source of happiness or sadness for me, I don't know. All I know is that while they were there, they were my companions, my friends, may be more than that. And now...I don't want to think about it, too painful.